It was nothing but selfishness on my part; I decided to have an abortion at age 21.  I make no excuse but I do share the blame.  I knew nothing about abortions but it was the end result.  I respected her father and deep inside I looked to him to help me figure it out but he didn’t say anything so I continued with my grand idea.  I had second thoughts before the “big day” and I went to him but he said NO.  He had second thoughts on the “big day” but it was too late. 

The abortion clinic was a cold place.  No one looked at anyone in the face.  I remember being there but I don’t remember their faces.  He went with me and he paid the big people to kill his little one.  I asked how far along I was in my pregnancy and I was told that they didn’t have that information.  I cried until the anesthesia caught up with me completely.  After another successful mission for the clinic, I was brought out to have crackers and juice in a room full of crying women; women yelling out loud that they wanted their baby back.  I didn’t want to look at them.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t speak.  I wanted to escape so I finished the crackers and juice as quickly as I could.  He met me at the door and asked if I was OK.  There was complete silence the entire ride home.  The secret began! 

June 6, 2001, was the beginning and the end for all involved!  I had such strong feelings of emptiness, like something had just gone completely wrong.  I called the clinic because I needed to know how far along I was.  I was seven weeks pregnant.  I was told that they should have shared that information with me when I was onsite.  Of course he didn’t want to discuss anything, so I buried the experience so deep inside of me that I totally forgot about it; and that’s when the nightmares began.  I became afraid of the dark, I was afraid to fall asleep, I felt like I was being haunted but I didn’t know why or by who.  In my mind, I only knew of one person who had passed and I wasn’t thinking of her.  I turned to alcohol and later realized that excessive drinking led to a good night’s sleep.  I felt like a prisoner in my own life and I wanted it all to end but the doctors pumped my stomach before I declared victory.  The abortion and the suicide attempt were too much for him to handle so our relationship ended. 

I continued with complete internal misery.  After so many nightmares, I questioned who was haunting me, and she came to me and said, “You Know Me.”  I began to question whether it was her so I visited my church (which I had become distant from) to speak with the Priest.  As I waited for him, I came across a Rachel Vineyard’s brochure that spoke of healing services for post abortive women.  I became convinced that everything that I had experienced was due to the abortion.  I began to attend the local Support Group and it was pathetic how little detail I remembered about my experience.  I spoke without emotions.  Today, I can speak of my experience from beginning to end and I speak with an overflowing heart of emotions.      

I don’t have a living child here with me but I truly believe in the power of a mother and her child.  Through much healing I’ve come to know my little one.  Her spirit lives with me every day and although the process was not easy, I thank her for it because she refused to let me go even though I let her go.  Someone so small but like me, her mother, she demanded attention, she wanted to be acknowledged, and she wanted to leave her mark.  I’ve never met Sami, but I love her deeply and for her, I refuse to be Silent No More.